1914 Craftsman Charm...with Baggage.

1914 Craftsman Bungalow with traditional dormer windows and strong wood pillars.

Guess what??  My husband and I are buying a house! Not just any house, mind you. A 1914 Craftsman-style bungalow. And I'm already gathering tons of inspiration on how to return it to its original (or near original) state. While recently updated with a bit of carpet and linoleum, the house maintains many of its Craftsman characteristics, so hopefully our reversions won't be too extensive. Take a look!

Beautiful inset cabinetry and wood floors are classic Craftsman traits, along with framed mirrored glass and high ceilings.

The kitchen, usually located in the back of a Craftsman house, has been updated with newer appliances and offers a lot of natural light.

I've read horror stories about how restoring houses has cost people not only their entire life savings, but their sanity, family and friends. I really don't want to go down that road.
I'm fortunate in that my husband is a general contractor, so we saved money on the initial cost of the house (because it's a fixer) as well as saving in the future on contractor fees. That's great because the house definitely has a lot of... well, baggage.

 

Historical Charm Means Baggage

A friend of mine once told me, "There's always a 'why' behind the 'what.'" For every issue we've come across, there's been a good reason for its presence that actually makes sense... in the context of the early 20th century. For example:

1. WHAT: There's a (small) sinkhole in the backyard. WHY: Most Craftsman homes (and most homes built around the 1900s) had clay pipes. We think the previous owners started fixing an untreated leak when the saturated ground collapsed. We're hoping it won't cost more than $1000 to fix it, unless we have to tie in to the city's main line (gulp!). FYI, if you have clay pipes, apparently they won't corrode underground as long as you flush rock salt down the pipes from time to time to clear out any invading roots.

Backyard with sinkhole near the basement door

2. WHAT: There's an upstairs closet with a toilet inside. They're calling it a "half bath", but there's not even a sink. The toilet is nestled right up against the wall, and I have no idea how anyone did any business in that tiny space. WHY: According to the tradition of the day, there was usually one bathroom, or powder room, downstairs so servants could easily powder their master's wigs. The idea stuck and it became popular throughout home architecture (named the powder room). The upstairs bathroom was never a Craftsman "thing", as far as we can tell, so this must have been a modern addition meant to solve a problem without having to spend a ton of money. Now it's a problem we'll have to solve.

3. WHAT: The walk-out basement is unfinished. The ceiling is barely high enough to allow this 5'4" gal to walk upright. The ground is dirt and pebble, and every time my husband talks about digging it down, I have awful mental images of the house collapsing with him underneath. WHY: Even though a lot of people think of California as having a warm climate, Sacramento winters can get below freezing. Folks knew that by building the footings of a house below the freezing line in the ground they could help protect the house from heaving upward when the ground froze. It's not a Craftsman thing, really. Just a cold climate thing.

In order to cut back on the amount of money it could take to restore the house to its original Craftsman glory, I've discovered some great tips at how to hint at the style without going crazy. (to be continued...)

Bone Hunting in the Housing Market

 

I've recently entered into the house hunt, and as a first-time home buyer, I've got a zillion questions and concerns when it comes to purchasing a home (many of which I don't even know I have yet). Houses feel like looming monsters to these untrained eyes, and since banks aren't releasing their inventory as quickly as I might wish (we're in the market for a short sale or foreclosure), I'm competing against 7-10 other buyers - many of whom can offer cash - for the same house in my price range. The hunt isn't easy, but I have one amazing weapon at my disposal - my husband.

Fortunately for me, I married a general contractor, and he's teaching me to look past all the off-putting "flesh" that sometimes comes with a foreclosure - stained carpet, ripped out appliances, tiny closets - and look deeper at the "bones" of the beast instead. By seeing a place for its potential, we're able to consider homes that other folks might shy away from.

If you're willing to put a little time and energy into remodeling, you might be able to save a few thousand dollars in the long run - not to mention gain a potential resale profit after increasing a home's value with the updates. Whether you've got a general contractor at your disposal or not, here are a few solid tips I've learned to consider when bidding on a home.

Room to Grow

We don't need a huge place right now since it's only the two of us, but eventually we want to have room for a few kids. We have a few search criteria options when considering potential homes. One is to only look at homes that have the amount of rooms we will eventually want (two to three, in our case) but don't necessarily need right now. The other is to look at lot size. Since Jamie can build on to a home, the best thing for us is to find a place that has an extended property line in the form of a backyard. That way we can bid on what we want now with the potential of adding on what we'll want later. Of course, it's always a good idea to consider the cost of the possible addition (permit price included) when making a bid. Will the present lower cost really be saving money in the long run if we just end up putting an extra $12 grand into the place two years down the road?

A larger backyard means future potential for adding on to a house. Meanwhile, I would be able to satisfy my immediate desire to garden. Courtesy of "Small House, Big Garden." (How appropriate!)

  A Firm Foundation

Another place we checked out happened to be in a cute older neighborhood next to a park. It was one of the first Victorian homes built in Sacramento. Huge trees lined each street, and we would have been near downtown yet still far enough away to enjoy the peace and quiet of a more suburban neighborhood. After further inspection, however, Jamie noticed a major crack that extended from the ground about three feet up the outside wall. It had been cleverly disguised with layers of paint, but his trained eye spotted the issue, and we decided we weren't willing to purchase a home that needed that kind of major re-shoring. (Other signs of a sinking foundation can be seen in the roof line. Be sure to look for sagging roofs when doing a preliminary inspection for a strong foundation.)

Cracks can be a sign of a weak foundation. Check out Askthebuilder.com for more detailed info regarding what to look for when checking out a home's structural stability.

Strong Bones

On the level with a firm foundation, strong bones play a part in finding the ideal home. This isn't limited to just the foundation - it includes internal walls as well. One property we looked at had a great living room, but the kitchen was somewhat small and closed off to the rest of the house. By considering the potential of the space, I was able to look past the current size and see it for what it could be. By knocking down the wall separating the kitchen from the living room, we could increase the kitchen size while creating a natural flow from room to room. The whole floor plan could be rearranged to fit our preferences since the house had strong studs and we weren't afraid of weakening the roof.

By knocking down a wall, a galley kitchen can be transformed into a larger, more open space like this San Francisco kitchen by small square design. Image courtesy of Design*Sponge.

Location, Location, Location

The saying is true - it's all about location. I could find an amazing property, but I can't transplant it into a safer neighborhood. One of our recent purchasing prospects happened to have great bones and a firm foundation, it skirted a neighborhood that had the occasional car break-in and gang activity (no thanks!) and lacked a driveway. My husband and I both decided that, while we may stand to gain some extra money from the investment, we weren't comfortable with the idea of me at home alone with a future little one, and while building a garage wouldn't be a problem, there wasn't enough room on the lot to do so.

Neighborhoods like this that offer both driveway parking and street parking are a plus for us since we don't want to park our car on the street every night.

So the house hunt continues! Are you on the market for a new home? Share your tips with this newbie!

Our Hobbit Home: Updating A Renter's Paradise

I like to lovingly refer to our rented duplex as a hobbit home. Jamie and I already have a penchant for collecting little nicknacks, books and unique furniture. Our place has a sort of layered, multi-patterned and cozy feel. There's always water in the kettle, and there's always cheese and good beer in the fridge. That paired with the mottled brown shag carpet (apparently saved from my grandmother's first house.. just kidding) makes for the perfect hobbit locale. Honestly, if I could live in a real hobbit house I would. Sans brown shag.

So even though I'm pretty comfortable in our rented home, I'm pretty eager to update and redecorate as much as I can for as little as I can. I have a really hard time with dark spaces (I may be an undiagnosed sufferer of seasonal affective disorder), and our hobbit hole feels a little more like "hole" than "hobbit".

The Kitchen

One project currently underway is turning our dark hole of a kitchen into a cheerful, bright hub. Since I spend a lot of my time in this room, I think it's important to enjoy it even if we're only renting.

Right now the kitchen only gets natural sunlight in the late afternoons from a small window over the sink. The main ceiling light seems to give off a candlelight yellow, which, when reflected off the brown cabinets and off-white wall paint, creates a sort of dingy vortex that makes me sleepy every time I go in there.


The biggest improvement would, of course, be to update the cabinets. But since the idea of sanding and repainting our kitchen cabinets a fresh white was shot down (Jamie understandably doesn't want us to put in a ton of work on a house we don't actually own), I had a few other ideas up my sleeve for how to freshen up the kitchen without making any permanent changes.

First I took off all the brass-plated (NOT solid brass, I found out...) handles from all the drawers and cabinets and set to work brushing away about 60 years of grime, oil and general mange. Unfortunately, I believed the hardware to be solid brass and not plated brass, and they require two very different cleaning techniques. So, while they're all "clean," most of the hardware looks just as dark as it did before I started. A lesson in TESTING the metal before cleaning! (Just use a magnet - if it sticks, it's plated. Read more about testing and cleaning brass at Centsational Girl's blog.) Now I just hope I get permission from the owners to spray paint the hardware a brighter brass or gold to add a bit of sparkle to the dark '60s cabinets:


Since we had a bit of semi-gloss white paint in the garage, I decided to repaint the inside of the cabinets above the stove so I could take the doors off and open up the space. The white paint really pops and adds an attractive contrast to the other cabinets. By filling the cabinet with cook books and canisters of noodles, beans and flour, there's more to look at and the space feels more active. Love the difference!

A really easy (and cheap) update was in changing out all the incandescent bulbs for fluorescent ones. We found a pack of 4 on sale at Home Depot for $1.53. If you're worried about using fluorescent bulbs because of their reputation for creating garish "hospital light," DON'T BE. This stereotypical fluorescent effect is quickly being replaced with a warmer white, like sunlight. This was the perfect effect I was hoping for, adding a desperately needed brightness to the kitchen while saving us money on our electric bill at the same time.

Next on the list is painting the kitchen chairs from their current darker finish and blue upholstery to a lighter off-white (or something lighter with a pattern), like this one from Home Dzine:


Or perhaps just reupholster the seats to something like this from Design*Sponge:


I also really want to cover the upper kitchen cabinets with fabric using liquid starch. Apparently it's fairly easy and doesn't damage the cabinets underneath when the fabric needs to be removed. Here's my inspiration from a favorite blog, Living in a Nutshell:

Stay tuned for more design updates from our little hobbit home!

2011 in Hindsight

I'm taking a moment to think back on the happenings of 2011. New Year's Resolutions aren't something to take lightly, so some hindsight is important.

And this past year has definitely been an interesting one.

January began with Jamie and I going to New York and Boston for his birthday. In the winter. We had a great time, minus the bed bugs I was plagued with in NY (yuck). I'd love to go back in the spring or fall sometime. Minus the bed bugs.


March put Fukushima on the map when the 9.0 magnitude earthquake hit, killing tens of thousands and putting many more in danger of nuclear exposure. Obviously Fukushima is now a ghost town, but people from the town are still dealing with the aftermath of nuclear exposure, homelessness, discrimination from other Japanese, etc. etc.


Oh, and Charlie Sheen was fired. Winning?

In April we bought a vacation package (NOT a timeshare). Last month was our final payment and now we can actually plan a trip! Anyone want to go to Europe or anywhere else in the world and split 5-star, $260/week accommodations?


We also celebrated the royal wedding of Kate and William at work. I won two prizes - one for best dressed, and the other for most creative dish. Thanks to my gingerbread cookie cutter and a couple of well-placed rings, my royal PB&J sandwiches were a hit!



In May, we learned that Osama bin Laden had been killed during a US Navy SEAL operation.

Jamie and his best friend, John, traveled to Gettysburg to play soldiers on the battlefield.

In June, Hikers Unite! took its first overnight trip to Yosemite where several members conquered Half Dome.


In July, the popular court case regarding Casey Anthony came to a close finding Anthony not guilty of her daughter's death.


NASA launched their final shuttle and officially retired their shuttle fleet.


Our own Sacramento LAUNCH experienced another successful event celebrating local art, music and fashion.


Jamie and I went to Alcatraz with my folks where my father and my husband experienced the cell blocks for the first time.


In August we moved into our new duplex where we now have two bedrooms, a real backyard and a fireplace!

September saw the 2nd Annual Autumn Harvest Masquerade after a false start in July. We had to push it back due to low ticket sales, but the actual event was beautiful, and we raised over $1500 for Wind Youth Services.


The Occupy Wall Street protests made headlines with tons of arrests and random acts of pepper spraying.


In October I tried my hand at jazz singing and, while I didn't end up with a regular gig (oops), I accomplished my goal of singing jazz at The Shady Lady.


This also marks the month of Steve Jobs' death.


And Cassie's birthday.


November. November and December both rushed by with holidays, birthdays, etc., but I'll never forget how fun it was to watch my closest family and friends compete in an Amazing Race themed birthday party for my 30th.


Did I mention we sent in our audition video for the actual Amazing Race TV show?

That just leaves December. I joined a band.

I also joined Marci's annual Candy Consortium and made delicious Oreo Truffles.


And Jamie and I celebrated Christmas with his and my families all sitting down to dinner together. That was pretty special, and I don't have a single picture of that. So here's a picture of someone else's family instead.


Sometimes I tend to remember events with the negative stuff, but this list was impressively positive (minus a lot of the the world news).

So I think my resolution should reflect that. Feel free to add your resolution(s) in the comment box and let's greet the New Year with a fresh perspective and a healthier life.

Susan's New Year Resolutions:

- Become more of the positive person you were created to be. Recall the positive moments and let go of the negative ones.
- Bring life and light wherever you go.
- Be more appreciative of those who have stuck by you. You're not the easiest person to deal with, and their patience and loyalty speak volumes to their character.
- Teach what you know to those who want to learn.
- Make time for the really important things in life. And no, washing the dishes and cleaning the house isn't ALWAYS an important thing.
- Don't sweat the small stuff (remember that one?).
- Pursue the lonely.
- Serve the needy.
- Love until you don't have to remind yourself.

Happy New Year!

How a Goat Saved Christmas, or, How to be the 99% Without Having to Hold a Sign or Face Potential Pepper Spray Incidents

There are lots of really great deals going on right now. But this year more than ever I'm struck with how many bad deals going on, too. And I'm so tired of my money NOT going to help people suffering from those bad deals that I'm shopping with a conscience for Christmas (and longer, hopefully).

It's no surprise that I buy most of my clothing and kitchen gadgets from thrift stores. Mostly because I like the search and the individuality you'll find there, but also because I don't care to support big businesses. This is a delicate topic, though, because I know not all big businesses are greedy corporations that only want to make money for their own welfare.

BUT, in today's culture, it's so difficult to figure out who is worth supporting and who isn't. And just because I support smaller businesses doesn't mean my money is going toward a better cause. Just because they're independent doesn't mean they spend their money "wisely" either. I place "wisely" in quotes because that, too, is up for debate depending on your definition of what a wise purchase would be. You see how quickly this issue gets complicated.

But I am an American citizen and a Christian, and I have a responsibility to steward my money and my earth wisely.

I'm tired of hearing how so many big businesses are screwing their employees out of good health care, overtime pay and good working conditions. I'm tired of filling my home with crap and supporting the businesses that underpay their factory workers (or worse, employ children to work for them).

I don't want to stand out in the cold holding a sign (I really hate being cold), and frankly I think there are WAY more effective ways of changing the government's spending habits and bringing the power back into the hands of the people than setting up camp and causing sanitary nastiness that MY tax money has to pay for! I'd rather it go toward education, or putting child abusers behind bars.

Furthermore, I feel I have a responsibility to purchase products that won't contribute to the massive growing trash heaps or belching smoke that plastic recycling plants create.

Anyway, a few years ago I donated money to World Vision in a "goat purchase" that would help a family in Africa (World Vision is totally legit; you can look it up). I did this for two reasons - 1. I knew my brother couldn't sell the gift to get something else (yeah, pretty crappy of me to be influenced by that, but I chuckle at it now). 2. The goat was a long-term gift that would provide milk and cheese and, if needed, meat for the family. It wasn't a trendy, plastic toy that would end up in the dump a year later.



I'm returning to that concept again this year, and hopefully I'll continue the tradition for years to come.

Whether I volunteer, donate money, or just make sure I'm purchasing used, handmade or small business products, I want to purchase for the long-haul and support the systems that I agree with. Helping starving people is one of those systems. And hopefully, if enough people stop giving their money to government subsidized businesses, the government would HAVE to change in order to make a profit.

So, in order to change my spending habits for good, I'm asking you all to keep me accountable. Here's my purchasing outline (it's not the perfect list; there are exceptions to every "good" idea, but you get the idea):



- Purchase stuff for someone who actually needs it
- Only purchase items from independently owned/small businesses vs. chain stores (food and drinks included)
- Only purchase clothing, shoes and accessories from 2nd hand shops/antique stores/online websites (Etsy, Craigslist, Ebay, Freecycle)
- If purchasing something new, make sure it's made by an artist
- Make a conscious effort to stay away from purchasing plastic, whether in the product's composition or in its packaging (bye bye to buying red plastic party cups...)

There are a few major areas that will take some time to find alternatives for, like communication, travel, household cleaning supplies, makeup and technology, so for now I'll still probably have to purchase those from big businesses. Let me know if you hear of good alternatives!

Goat image borrowed from http://blog.reversethecursechicago.com/

Are You There, God? It's Me. Susan.

Are you there, God? It's me. Susan.

Don't worry, nothing's wrong. I'm not going through any crazy crisis. I'm not even here to ask for anything. Well, I'm not asking for stuff, anyway. I know this sounds strange, sort of coming-out-of-nowhere like, but we have some catching up to do. Even that sounds strange, since it's not like we never chat. But something's gone awry, I feel. Something's gone totally amiss.

I've been noticing this strange... distance? creeping up on me for maybe two or three years now. As if a slow moving sludge I didn't even recognise as something that could ever really affect me has been taking me some place that seems far from where I started. Far from you. Honestly, it's as if our relationship has somehow changed. Like you picked up and left. Or just stopped speaking.

I used to hear you so clearly, like we were two friends hanging out over coffee and there was a back and forth conversation going on between us. And then one day, not any particularly memorable day, I realized that conversation had stopped. Coffee break over, back to our separate desks -- you behind a large mahogany desk in the boss's office, me back to my cubicle and counting the minutes until lunch time.

I don't mean to complain, or sound like I'm blaming you for this feeling of quiet. I've heard all my life that it's not you, it's never you that steps away. It's always us.

But what if it isn't always us? What if, for some reason way beyond my comprehension, you in your infinite wisdom chose to test my faith by seeing if I'd follow you even if I couldn't hear you? I'm a little confused as to why you'd do this, but I'm pondering it as a possibility. After all, apparently most folks don't hear you like I did at one point, and they still follow. And I'm learning that "hearing you" is different than I once thought, anyway.

I guess I'm learning that. So if you're listening, it'd be cool if we could hang out again like old times. Even if it's not exactly like old times.

Sincerely, Susan

It Was All Yellow

It's no surprise to hear that I can be somewhat impulsive and that I tend to get restless at times. So when I painted the bathroom yellow... yes, yellow... well, maybe there's a point when one has to wonder what's going on. I mean, I painted the bathroom YELLOW. It seemed like a great idea at the time, as my sudden impulses always do, but after the impulse has been satisfied and the adrenalin wears off, I'm basically stuck standing around asking myself, "What the hell did I just do?"

That's basically where I've been for the past... I don't know how long. Please don't get me wrong. I'm appreciative of the life I have. I love my husband; he's my best friend. I enjoy my job and the cool folks I get to work with. I've got so many awesome friends, so many great opportunities for adventure - the hiking group, being able to travel from time to time, trying new things... But it's all only satisfying up to a point. Is this terribly wrong of me to say? Is it just wrong of me to say it out loud?

When I get to feeling like this, which does happen from time to time, I usually start up a new hobby that typically lasts perhaps a few weeks to a month (Irish dancing classes), or I'll get a wild hair and try to start a business re-selling clothes I've found at a thrift store (I broke even, not including the gas I used going from Crossroads to Free Trade to the other Crossroads...), or (when I was younger), taking spur-of-the-moment trips (like the time I foolishly drove to Berkeley with some guy I had just met at a party because he told me about "the best coffee house in the world. It's, like, way better than all that corporate business shit." And I turned the iPod on to Damien Rice and played the carefree passenger for about 20 minutes before having that "What the hell did I just do?" moment.)

Or I'll paint the bathroom yellow.

Honestly, I understand it when the man’s not entirely convinced when I really want something, because he knows there’s a possibility the desire won’t last for longer than a few weeks. That said…

How did the bathroom end up yellow, you ask? Well, the man was having a guy's night, and I was having a rum and coke. Now, now... I know what you're thinking. Did the man have any idea I was going to do this? Yes. While the story may be juicier to say no, the truth is that the man was very encouraging of my whim and even went with me to Home Depot to purchase the paint. And again, while it doesn't help my story to add this little detail, the bathroom actually looks pretty cool. I say all this now to let you, the mystical reader I'm assuming gives a shit about this blog because you continued to read this far, know that this isn't about me and the man. Nor is it about the bathroom. I don't write an interior designer blog -- check out Design Sponge for that. No, I write the emotion-driven sometimes funny, sometimes sad, mostly truthful, always honest blog about life and me in it.

And for those of you who are already offended at my use of the word, "shit", perhaps this blog isn't for you.

Alright, for those of you still with me -- much love for looking past the momentary profanity. I hope this post is worth wading through a culturally inappropriate word or two. I have no intention of being sanctimonious in any way, shape or form. You won't hear me curse on most days because I respect the company I'm with, and that typically includes folks who don’t care for that sort of language. I've also never really made a habit of it. But from time to time, I will indeed use a "foul" word or two. Why I feel I need to explain this, I'm not sure.

Anyway, back to the bathroom. I started really well, taping the edges of the baseboards, around the door -- all the appropriate precautions. I changed into painting clothes. I mean, I was serious about this. This was my project, and gosh darn it, I was going to do a good job!

That was all during my first drink. The second tasted just as good, and my hand still seemed as steady. The music was on; I was rocking out... good times all around. I felt empowered and the bathroom was getting more and more cheerful with every stroke of the brush. So was I, come to think of it. Poured myself Rum + Coke #3 and really hit my stride. Walls 1 and 2 were just about finished, and I started working my way around the wall/ceiling edge. Got a little on the ceiling I was able to wipe off, mostly, but hey -- what's a little character? Who'd notice, anyway?

I'm pretty sure I had one more, or close to one more drink. And the bathroom was finished. A new light fixture installed, two new towel rings, a hanging plant, yellow paint and a new outlook on life! It was beautiful, and I was so glad I had done it. I wiped down the counters, washed out the paintbrush and walked.. no, strutted back to the bathroom. Most of the buzz from the rum was gone by this time (I had done an extremely thorough cleaning). I stood in the threshold of the bathroom and admired my handiwork. So creative, so rewarding.

And that's when it hit me. What the hell did I just do. It really was a statement, too, and not a question.

"I do this all the time," I remember thinking to myself. I get restless and have to change the way my life looks. As if some layer of bright paint is going to change my life to some state of constant high. As if one more crazy, spur-of-the-moment adventure is going to fill some greater need. I guess I'm looking for an emotional-need filler.

I know very well that no one and no thing can do that. And when I analyze that thought, I guess deep down I'm not really expecting it to. Perhaps those bursts of energy that materialize themselves in the next hobby of the week are just time-fillers between here and the next. Or maybe I'm just being dramatic.

But who cares? Why not? Why not paint the bathroom yellow? Why not take a dance class, even if it's not something you'll stick to for very long? Why not try a new business endeavor, drive all night to Portland for a last-minute show, build a fort in the living room, start that novel you may never finish, dye your hair, get a tattoo? My goal is to be as free as I can, and to encourage others to do the same. My goal isn't to get hurt, to hurt others, to go into debt buying things, to suggest that starting and not finishing is "cool", or to be in scary situations for the sake of some adrenalin rush (I would NEVER encourage anyone to take a drive with some person they'd just met at a party, I don't care how free or special that person appears to be).

I want to love passionately and to be loved passionately. I don't want to "show" anybody, or prove some point. Maybe that’s what I’m fighting against. Some invisible cage that some invisible person has put me in.

(Side Note: Perhaps that would explain why I needed to justify my language earlier.)

So I break out in different ways, using different tools to cut through the bars. But I find I’m still tethered to an invisible chain clamped to an invisible stake in the ground.

Maybe I actually find comfort in the cage. Who knows – maybe it’s not a cage after all. Maybe it’s a mansion and I’m no longer impressed by the marble. Call it what you will. It doesn’t seem to be enough, whatever it is.

What happens when this life doesn’t satisfy, knowing that painting the bathroom is just a time-killer? When you can’t find the heart to try and convince someone to find satisfaction in the cage/mansion because you’re not really convinced of it yourself? God, that sounds so depressing.

But I’m tired of sanctimony. It’s just so stressful. And I’m tired of feeling bad about doing “crazy” things – things that aren’t actually that crazy anyway. I guess that’s the invisible chain – guilt. There are actually a lot of things I haven’t done because I’m afraid of feeling guilty about doing them. Ha! Isn’t that funny? I actually have moments of guilt before even doing that thing I think I *might* feel guilty about. How is that freedom? How is that living in the freedom I profess to live in?

I know I still have certain morals I choose to live by, and not out of guilt. But I also think there are some laws I’ve been living by that have been dictated by guilt and not conviction.

So now, after an evening of tea and cathartic writing, I guess I’ve decided to join a new club. It’s called Freedom. Hopefully my attendance will last longer than two weeks.

Anyone interested in painting?